The Pull to Caretake and the Push for Self-Care
This one is for those of us that always find ourselves tending to others. Other people and things outside of ourselves. For some of us, we've not only learned to caretake but we have learned to identify with it. It feels like who we are -- what we do. The tricky thing about caretaking is that sometimes it's a muscle that is so relied on that others have atrophied.
Hi there, I'm Gabrielle Kawashima, a trauma therapist and the owner of Even Here Therapy. One of my specialties is working with helpers [learn more about the signs that you may be a helper here]. Which means that in some way you've learned to prioritize other things over yourself. Does this ring true for you or someone you know?
How do you take care of yourself when you often end up taking care of others?
The pop-psychology push for self-care is loud, and while it is important, the way that it's talked about isn't always the most accurate. Sure, self-care is exercise and a hot bath and a good book. It's also some of the most difficult things that we may very well not want to do for ourselves.
If you seem to check many of the helper boxes, then the kind of self-care that involves attending to your own needs may be difficult. True self-care can also look like working towards breaking patterns, and let's be honest, that isn't fun.
One of the best things helpers can do is start spending time with their own experiences. Their thoughts and especially their emotions. Because helpers end up caretaking for others so easily, their focus is often on things outside of themselves. A good first step is to shift that focus inward.
Am I witnessing myself? If so, how? How often? What happens when I do?
In order to know what our needs are, we have to be able to tolerate them long enough to truly be present with them. Then, we can start exploring what our needs actually are and test out some ways of meeting them.
What happens when you notice your own discomfort?
My first question here is, do you? Do you notice your own discomfort? If so, how? Because helpers are other-oriented, the tendency to tune out their own experiences can make this part tricky. If you don't notice your discomfort or if you aren't able to tolerate very much of it, there is a chance you're reacting to your discomfort instead of responding to it.
It's common for helpers to find a way to manage their own emotions in order to keep prioritizing other things. This can look like disconnecting from emotions and physical sensations.
One of the ways this shows up is through intellectualizing. The tendency to explain away discomfort with logic instead of actually feeling it. Logic may actually a survival tactic to bypass discomfort, and for some people it's so automatic they don't even catch it happening in real time.
I like to tell my clients that emotions and facts are different languages. You can't speak logic to emotions, you have to learn to speak the same one.
Your needs & Self-care
In order for you to truly take care of yourself, you'll have to know what your needs are. Sometimes, helpers feel guilty for having needs or don't have clarity on what their needs even are. If you've made yourself smaller to make room for other people, other things, other people's needs it can be uncomfortable to try to take up space.
A good starting place can be focusing on what you feel in your body, giving the emotion a name (a feeling wheel can be a nice tool here), and considering what is important about the feeling or what the feeling may be trying to show you.
A Therapist may also be a great resource to help you build enough safety to explore emotions and to guide you through the process of reconnecting with your emotions and physical sensations.
Building Tolerance to Other People's Discomfort
Prioritizing yourself may upset other people.
That's going to be hard if you've come to identify with caregiving. You may feel that pull to caretake when you actually need to put yourself first.
Another tool I like to use with folks around this is the concept of a glass wall.
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If you're interested in individual therapy, reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I would love to see if we are the right fit for each other, and if not, support you in finding the therapist that is right for you.
Take care out there.
Hi there. I’m Gabrielle Kawashima, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Certified Brainspotting Therapist. I have a passion for working with childhood and complex trauma, people who've learned to prioritize others over themselves (helpers), and working with emergency and first responders. If you’re interested in working with me, click below to set up a free consultation (:
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