Signs You Prioritize Others Before Yourself

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I would like to start of by highlighting the fact that we live in a society where prioritizing things before ourselves is often praised and at times required. It's understandable, and for some of us, inevitable that our focus leans towards what is outside of ourselves. In some ways this can be a beneficial skill that can help us navigate relationships and social environments, and it has a cost.

Hi there, I'm Gabrielle Kawashima, a trauma therapist and the owner of Even Here Therapy. A theme that I see in my work is that many of us in some way, shape, or form, struggle with how to take care of ourselves. One of the contributing factors to this, is how we've learned to think about ourselves in the contexts of our relationships and our work. I like to describe this way of thinking about ourselves as being a helper.

What does it mean to be a 'helper'?

The simplest explanation is that helpers like to help others. Not a bad thing, right? When this becomes relied on too heavily it can result in the helper's needs going unmet. Who helps the helpers?

Many helpers have early memories of how they felt when caretaking for others, which could've been emotional or physical caretaking. A good reflection question may be, how do I feel when I caretake for others? If it feels good to take care of others, or you feel good about yourself afterwards just take note of that.

The other important thing to consider is that this doesn't only look like helping other people. It can show up as prioritizing anything else over yourself and sometimes we are directly taught or trained to do this. Maybe consider, do you ever shelf an element of your experience? (thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, wants or needs, etc).

First responders and veterans, for example, are often directly trained to focus on something instead of themselves when they're on (on duty, responding, etc). They're not the only ones, many careers that helpers often find themselves in fall into this same theme.

Signs of Prioritizing Others Over Yourself

Caretaking for Others Makes You Feel Good

The caveat here is that it isn't inherently a problem if taking care of others makes you feel good. Like many things, the balance here is what matters. A healthy relationship with helping would look like helping others when you have capacity to do so. When you have the space and room, the energy and the resources to pour from.

Helpers often learn this early on as a way to meet a need, which means that it's happening outside of the context of helpers having the capacity to do it. Check out the post below:

When we learn to meet our needs by meeting the needs of other people, think of it as a survival mechanism. It isn't the most optimal approach and it works to an extent so we keep doing it.

If the unconscious thought is...

'if I care for you, and you're good, then maybe you'll be able to care for me'

...then what will be sacrificed just to meet some of the basic human, relational needs? Sometimes quite a lot.

The Emotional Theme of Resentment

Another warning sign of this dynamic are feelings of resentment -- the unrequited care.

Are people not showing up for you the way you show up for them?

Does that sting?

How many of your relationships feel one-sided in this way?

Is this a common role you find yourself in?

Because helpers can identify with this role, stepping into it is often innocuous. We may not notice all the ways it's happening because it's become the norm. The tricky thing is while this pattern may not be serving you, it may be serving other people. If you're convenient for them, people may not respond well to the dynamic changing which may only strengthen those feelings of resentment.

Difficulty Asking for Help / Support

As a result of over-functioning with others, helpers may have a difficult time asking for help themselves. For some, receiving it is also quite difficult even if it's something they really want and need.

One aspect of the why behind the hard is that helpers may not know what their needs are. When we get stuck in a survival pattern, of any kind, there isn't space to think about the things that come with safety. In a sense, it's a luxury to think about how things would unfold without all their effort. Some helpers may have a sense of their needs and yet the emphasis is still placed on their actions, not those of others. Helpers in this way have learned to be self-reliant and some helpers may even fall into the hyper-independent category.

For many helpers this autopilot way of moving through their interpersonal relationships is so familiar that anything else feels uncomfortable. We seek out what is predictable and routine not because it's healthy but because it's less challenging and less disruptive. We know what to expect, it's predictable, which is a false sense of safety.

You Feel Safest When Those Around You Feel Safe

As many helpers learn to caretake for others so they too can in turn feel safe, it is when they feel safest. Perhaps consider, how you feel when there is emotional distress or tension around you. What happens in your body? What goes on in your mind? What feelings start to come up?

It is intended for us to feel uncomfortable when the people we're around are in discomfort, especially the more intimate those relationships are. We're keeping an eye out here for the level of discomfort. If it feels difficult to tolerate that may be a sign.

Feeling Disconnected from Emotions and Physical Sensations

Another natural consequence of prioritizing other things before ourselves is that it's a form of disconnection. As a result of this pattern, some helpers may struggle to actually connect with their emotions and physical sensations. They may be hard to notice, confusing, or potentially overwhelming.

If emotions or physical sensations feel hard to tolerate or overwhelming, you may have also learned to disconnect from your emotions as a sort of safety precaution. The downside is that we have to be able to know what type of difficulty we're experiencing in order to have a sense of what our needs are.

Difficulty Feeling Worthy or a Finicky Sense of Self-Worth

Being plagued with a low sense of self-worth is another indicator. Do you often feel not good enough? Or like you're too much? Are you afraid of burdening others? This can also show up as self-worth that feels unstable, like it's always fluctuating, especially if it's more dependent on external factors.

What Your Home Felt Like in Childhood

If as a child your nervous system often moved into the hyperarousal state (fight/flight), if you felt anxious or on edge, you found ways to move through it. Some of those very adaptive ways of maneuvering may have also become patterns overtime. This can be another reason why it feels good to help others, it may have been the way you learned to navigate stressful or unhealthy relationships as a child.

If you had a emotionally immature parent, you may have been placed in the role of caretaker as well. Some emotionally immature parents expect children to manage adult responsibilities as well as be their source of comfort. This type of parentification can lead children to step into the role of helper very early on.

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Did this sound like you? If so, I'm happy for the opportunity to have made you feel safe or seen or understood. Helpers don't always have as many spaces to experience these and they're so needed. Sound like someone you know? Maybe share this and give them that opportunity.

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If you're interested in individual therapy, reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I would love to see if we are the right fit for each other, and if not, support you in finding the therapist that is right for you.

Take care out there.

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Hi there. I’m Gabrielle Kawashima, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Certified Brainspotting Therapist. I have a passion for working with childhood and complex trauma, people who've learned to prioritize others over themselves (helpers), and working with emergency and first responders. If you’re interested in working with me, click below to set up a free consultation (:

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